Happiness > Absurdism?

Where'd all the good people go?
I've been changing channels, I don't see them on the TV shows.
Where'd all the good people go?
We got heaps and heaps of what we sow.

Couldn't have said it better myself, Jack.

Anyhow. My growing cynicism towards the world has been confused by random bouts of optimism and hope. Let me explain. Basically, in religion class we are talking a fuck of a lot about marriage, and I randomly find myself fantasizing about being married to an amazing guy and loving children and stuff--and I leave the class with hope and near certainty that I'll get these things. How the hell do I know, though? I don't know, I just need to accept happiness as a human thing. I need to accept the idea of humans in general. Like I find myself falling right into the emotions and actions that I call idiotic. I guess I need to surrender to just going ahead and "living." So annoying, though.

And it's really quite hard to not get caught up in certain people who say certain things to make me feel a certain way. PERSPECTIVE, ALLISON.
"Oh, right, I forget you live in an alternate universe called paradise where people wear bikinis in November."
"The only thing missing is you."
So so so many things.

STOPPPPP.

Aaaain't that a shaaaame.

If there is one thing Tara is good for, it's hot chocolate making.

You know, I do realize how strange the concept of Christmas and all holidays is, but I can't help but being inherently happy during the holiday season. Yeah, I'm aware it's not even Thanksgiving and everyone's annoyed that people are getting Christmasy too soon, but whatever. I'm not here to go against the holiday spirit grain.

I don't get how anyone could dislike winter. Cuddly time of year, I think. I like it. I need someone to cuddle wiiiiith. I really like marshmellows in my hot chocolate. It burned my tongue though so that'll be annoying tomorrow.

I would very much like to just be in college at the moment. I don't ever get to drink or be merry because I have no life and nothing fun to do. No offense to those people I've been spending some time with--you're lovely. I just want a different life so badly right now.
Movies taint me soooo badly. Ugh.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

I wish I could prescribe chill pills to people.

I find it kind of sad how malleable I am. I just read an old journal (real journal on paper and all) and as a sophomore I defined quite well my malleablility. I now tend to think I'm a very defined person--like I know what I believe in and what I care about and what I think is bad...
But I've recently re-realized that I completely just mold to fit whomever or whatever I'm around. I think that may be sad but I really don't care because it makes everything SO MUCH EASIER when you're agreeable. People like to be with people they can be comfortable around, and maybe it's good that no one has to feel on edge around me. Even if I think I disagree with someone I don't think I'd ever say anything. It's never worth it. Or very rarely at least. Like if I think Obama is an amazing person and you think McCain is... so the fuck what? Why would I want to fight over that? Close minded people are just that--CLOSE MINDED. Hence they will probably not give a shit what I say. And none of it ultimately matters anyways. So schwateva.
I wish people would just get a grip and realize they're all going to die and being worked up about stuff does nothing. Nothing at ALL.

Smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another.

So I made the immense mistake of accidentally trying to explain my complicated/relatively depressing life theory to Tara and Dionne this weekend (I was tricked into it) in Houston and I'm fairly certain they think I'm in a major depression now. Whatever, though. Tara insists that this is just how my mind is working now and every 2-3 years I will change as a person and this will go away, so she obviously doesn't get it. As per expected. I think only Franz Kafka or maybe Albert Camus could really truly understand, but they are dead, now aren't they? Hayli listened to me try to explain it for like hours so I think she may understand it as much as anyone will be able to. Oh well, my mind is obviously just too complex for this trivial world.

"A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die."

"The tremendous world I have inside my head. But how free myself and free it without being torn to pieces? A thousand times rather be torn to pieces than retain it in me or bury it."

"To die would mean nothing else than to surrender a nothing to the nothing, but that would be impossible to conceive, for how could a person, even only as a nothing, consciously surrender himself to the nothing, and not merely to an empty nothing but rather to a roaring nothing whose nothingness consists only in its incomprehensibility."

Kafka quotes. Yeah. My top three of the 150+ I've read.

Anyway, I just really can't wait to get out of here. Maybe things will click elsewhere.

I can only hope!

Kathy Griffin was hilarious, though. It was amazing getting to see Brett. I always get a little bit bitter when we hang out--jealous of his life, bummed that I never see him, and so on. But I'm so happy for him that it doesn't even matter.