PROUD of my broken heart since thou didst break it,
Proud of the pain I did not feel till thee,
Proud of my night since thou with moons dost slake it,
Not to partake thy passion, my humility. OOOOY EMILY. I know. HEART, we will forget him! You and I, to-night! You may forget the warmth he gave, I will forget the light. When you have done, pray tell me, That I my thoughts may dim; Haste! lest while you’re lagging, I may remember him!

Le sigh.

Love Sonnet XVII

by Pablo Neruda

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

(I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.)

"What's the deal with my brain? Why am I so obviously insane?"

This would happen to me. It would sooo clearly happen to me. Oy vey.


Continuing with the song which is this entry's title...
"Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth..."


I swear if I didn't know me I'd think I was a depressed little kitty cat or something. What?

Closer to the sun but then it's far from the moon...

Times they are a-changin'. Bob knows.
It's amazing how my mindset can change so drastically. Like a month ago I was in SUCH a different place. I love meeting people but I hate then realizing after you meet one great person how many other great people there are that could help make you a better person that you'll never meet. Frustrating, SO frustrating.
So the ominous June to end all Junes with the constant activities is almost over. After this weekend in D.C. it should be pretty much smooth sailing. Let's hope at least. Collegewtf.
But anyway--I don't want my mindset to change on this one. Though circumstances are crappy in ways. Sooo, um, note to self. Think like you're thinking now for a good while.

klagshlakhg

This is a problem. And fricking ridiculous. Blah. Boy. Aaah. Cute and perfect. Grrr. 2 hours. Gah.

2 Atoms in a Molecule

No words.
Well okay maybe a few.
High school is over. Well, I may or may not have two exams tomorrow and an AP on Thursday, but they don't count. I'm content with failure at this point.
Anyway--so summer. On one hand I am beyond thrilled that I'm getting to do so much in May/June out of town, and I know it's going to be SO fantastic, but then I'm semi-bummed as well. I feel like I'm going to miss that post-senior summer that everyone remembers...I won't be here to do it with my friends. I mean again, I know summer is going to be great, I'm just in a momentary schlump about it. Especially since I JUST met a bunch of new and excellent (and straight) friends and now I hardly get to see them for a month and a half then we all leave for college. Honestly it is so upsetting that I'm just meeting Steven and Matt and all of the other guys just now, because I could've had a really good time being friends with them the last 4 or 5 (or 17) years. It's just annoying, really.
I am going to Dallas for Brett's prom in a week which is going to be EPIC. I think I only think this because this is my one shot at the movie version of high school and I have less than three days to cram it all in...but by God, I will do it. Can't wait.
There are other things I can wait for, though. Like growing up. Except at the same time not. I couldn't articulate my feelings on high school ending if I tried my very hardest. It is weirder than I could ever have imagined. I'd try to explain my feelings, but as previously stated, I would fail.
Whatever. Life's coming at me, apparently. Guess I should start paying attention.

"And if love is just a game
Then how come it's no fun?
If love is just a game
How come I've never won?
I guess maybe it's possible I might be playing it wrong
And that's why every time I roll the dice
I always come undone."
Couldn't have said it better, Noah and the Whale.

Okay so this internet thing won't let me post this now, so I'll try later. But let the records show that this was written the night of Cinco de Mayo '09 whilst avoiding calculus and biology.

In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make...

I am officially petrified of college. I could have SO EASILY gone ANYWHERE other than the school I've chosen and been one of the smart kids...it would've been easy and enjoyable and I could've felt superior like I've been able to feel for the past 17 years. BUT NO. People are GW are cultured and intelligent to the point that I just feel like an idiot. And these political science majors? I'm not one of them...I mean I will be, but like they've read every presidential biography and political theory book while I go to Barnes and Noble and buy Catch 22? Like I'm sure I have the mental capacity to catch up with these people, but I worry. If you aren't smart you have to be hot shit. And that means I have to be fairly smart. Looks like a summer of reading up on all things worldly is straight ahead.

Oh, by the way--13 days of high school left?

The poem which defines my life:

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends--
It gives a lovely light!

I've gotta roll, roll away...

I want to look at this and recall that never will there be a week so ridiculous. If ever I whine, please remind me of this week. Apparently missing two weeks of school, then having Mardi Gras break, then one week to make up all of the work isn't a stressless series of events. Who knew? I have literally started homework and studying as soon as I got home and worked until two without stopping every night, and still I don't get everything done. Then I can't go to sleep because I pop too much Excedrin or can't breathe or there's too much thinking going on. It is sickening. So much so that I actually got sick last night/today. Puking is gross, especially when you have to just keep doing it in order to be able to concentrate on studying. I think the problem is that I never study or do homework in the slightest so going from 15 minutes of homework a night to like 11 hours is a little overwhelming. And what's getting to me is that everyone else is constantly complaining about the workloads of hell week and I want to just be like YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA SHUT YOUR MOUTH. Not to mention that this form of non-learning and constant test taking has my grades in the total shitter.

I'm sorry I whine. Not really to anyone who would read this because only, like, Hayli would. Maybe Matt. But I'm just generally sorry for my state of mind right now. Regretful. On the bright side, many people are very impressed with my level of composure. They should be.

Comparatively I've been totally lax tonight and still have an assload to do. I think the homestretch is just too much to think about right now. I want to sleep and watch tv and have a life. Oh well.

Note: lost 5 lbs.
Keep it up, Allison and Aimee.
We're going to be hot shit by cruise time.

Broskiiiii.

So...wow.
My life is just one big out-of-body experience.

An occasionally awesome one, though.

Oh botha. (I just watched Winnie the Pooh's Christmas Movie)

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Also, find your name and why.

...okay I'm not like tagging this to people but if you're one of the 1.8 people who read this, feel free to do it. I'm really just egotistical and like to talk about myself.

1. I used to have really bad OCD that I never told my parents about
2. My heart literally aches when I watch old musical movie huge dance numbers because it makes me so happy
3. There are actually a couple of songs I can sing well but I would never sing them for anyone or say what they are because then I might actually have to have someone hear me sing seriously
4. I'm probably meant to be a teacher
5. I feel bad for thinking that isn't good enough of a career for me
6. I lie all the time to people I'm not close to about stupid things for no reason
7. I've never really been scared of anything
8. I am an immense sucker for stupid romance comedies
9. I automatically assume that any very talented person is cool and I want to meet him/her (even though they're often not)
10. I compulsively come up with long lists of reasons why things happen (based on the everything happens for a reason theory)
11. People perceive me far differently than I perceive myself
12. I think I know the exact type of people I want to be friends with/life I want to be leading, but I'm not friends with them and I'm not leading it (not that I don't love my own friends)
13. I will make out in the rain before I die
14. I could literally watch movies for a week straight and be fine with that
15. When I like someone I can obsess over them in my head--only one has ever lasted
16. I overanalyze everything people do


Good God, I'm lame.

...Winter Wonderland?

So that was a lovely surprise. I've got to say, as unfulfilling as shit can be, Christmas somehow makes it better. During this time of year I feel like I should be able to just walk up to anyone and hug them and hand them a Christmas CD and they would respond with a "Oh, thanks, Merry Christmas!" and a hug. Unfortunately not many people are like that, but by never trying it I can maintain some hope.

I have an inkling that there are a few people out there who would respond how I want them to.

The most annoying moments lately have been the ones where I know exactly what I want in life, because then I have the back-to-reality moment and it's so depressing.

Anyway, I'm really excited that everyone's going to be in town for a little while. I've actually had a decent time with my school friends and my my-grade friends, but I just miss people. I want to have a lot of fun over the break. I need to have a lot of fun over the break. I will have a lot of fun over the break.

CHRISTMASSSSS, YESSSSSSS.

Happiness > Absurdism?

Where'd all the good people go?
I've been changing channels, I don't see them on the TV shows.
Where'd all the good people go?
We got heaps and heaps of what we sow.

Couldn't have said it better myself, Jack.

Anyhow. My growing cynicism towards the world has been confused by random bouts of optimism and hope. Let me explain. Basically, in religion class we are talking a fuck of a lot about marriage, and I randomly find myself fantasizing about being married to an amazing guy and loving children and stuff--and I leave the class with hope and near certainty that I'll get these things. How the hell do I know, though? I don't know, I just need to accept happiness as a human thing. I need to accept the idea of humans in general. Like I find myself falling right into the emotions and actions that I call idiotic. I guess I need to surrender to just going ahead and "living." So annoying, though.

And it's really quite hard to not get caught up in certain people who say certain things to make me feel a certain way. PERSPECTIVE, ALLISON.
"Oh, right, I forget you live in an alternate universe called paradise where people wear bikinis in November."
"The only thing missing is you."
So so so many things.

STOPPPPP.

Aaaain't that a shaaaame.

If there is one thing Tara is good for, it's hot chocolate making.

You know, I do realize how strange the concept of Christmas and all holidays is, but I can't help but being inherently happy during the holiday season. Yeah, I'm aware it's not even Thanksgiving and everyone's annoyed that people are getting Christmasy too soon, but whatever. I'm not here to go against the holiday spirit grain.

I don't get how anyone could dislike winter. Cuddly time of year, I think. I like it. I need someone to cuddle wiiiiith. I really like marshmellows in my hot chocolate. It burned my tongue though so that'll be annoying tomorrow.

I would very much like to just be in college at the moment. I don't ever get to drink or be merry because I have no life and nothing fun to do. No offense to those people I've been spending some time with--you're lovely. I just want a different life so badly right now.
Movies taint me soooo badly. Ugh.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

I wish I could prescribe chill pills to people.

I find it kind of sad how malleable I am. I just read an old journal (real journal on paper and all) and as a sophomore I defined quite well my malleablility. I now tend to think I'm a very defined person--like I know what I believe in and what I care about and what I think is bad...
But I've recently re-realized that I completely just mold to fit whomever or whatever I'm around. I think that may be sad but I really don't care because it makes everything SO MUCH EASIER when you're agreeable. People like to be with people they can be comfortable around, and maybe it's good that no one has to feel on edge around me. Even if I think I disagree with someone I don't think I'd ever say anything. It's never worth it. Or very rarely at least. Like if I think Obama is an amazing person and you think McCain is... so the fuck what? Why would I want to fight over that? Close minded people are just that--CLOSE MINDED. Hence they will probably not give a shit what I say. And none of it ultimately matters anyways. So schwateva.
I wish people would just get a grip and realize they're all going to die and being worked up about stuff does nothing. Nothing at ALL.

Smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another.

So I made the immense mistake of accidentally trying to explain my complicated/relatively depressing life theory to Tara and Dionne this weekend (I was tricked into it) in Houston and I'm fairly certain they think I'm in a major depression now. Whatever, though. Tara insists that this is just how my mind is working now and every 2-3 years I will change as a person and this will go away, so she obviously doesn't get it. As per expected. I think only Franz Kafka or maybe Albert Camus could really truly understand, but they are dead, now aren't they? Hayli listened to me try to explain it for like hours so I think she may understand it as much as anyone will be able to. Oh well, my mind is obviously just too complex for this trivial world.

"A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die."

"The tremendous world I have inside my head. But how free myself and free it without being torn to pieces? A thousand times rather be torn to pieces than retain it in me or bury it."

"To die would mean nothing else than to surrender a nothing to the nothing, but that would be impossible to conceive, for how could a person, even only as a nothing, consciously surrender himself to the nothing, and not merely to an empty nothing but rather to a roaring nothing whose nothingness consists only in its incomprehensibility."

Kafka quotes. Yeah. My top three of the 150+ I've read.

Anyway, I just really can't wait to get out of here. Maybe things will click elsewhere.

I can only hope!

Kathy Griffin was hilarious, though. It was amazing getting to see Brett. I always get a little bit bitter when we hang out--jealous of his life, bummed that I never see him, and so on. But I'm so happy for him that it doesn't even matter.

I feel lame.

So I'm not sure if I feel like a tool for getting a blog or not but I'm thinking yes.
I just wanna be trendy, let's be honest.

So the thing is I actually just feel like typing how I feel about all of the people I tend to be around because remembering how I feel now is important or something. Like I read something on my old Livejournal from 9th grade where I wrote a little paragraph to all of my best friends and it's ridiculous how much I just don't remember ANYTHING. So documenting things will help or something.

So, who are people...

Hayli- I am completely unsure what I would do without you... like honestly you are the one person I'm actually close to who I think gets it. You know, the it. I hate that you're going away but at the same time I'm really excited that you get to meet new people and start everything new and have straight friends (!!!) and all of that jazz. I know you're gonna do great things and I love you!
Darren- You've been around for forever and I know you think we tune you out but you are absolutely a key part of any "us" there may be and it's been crazy watching you grow up. I'm very proud of all you've done and I hope you never settle. I love you a ton and you better not forget that.
Kyle- I am beyond glad that you came into my life. Even with your totally oblivious nature, you are always looking out for me and everyone else and that means a lot. I love you SO MUCH and my only regret is that you came into my life so late... I'm going to miss you so much when you're at LSU. I doubt I'll know what to do without your company. Again, I love you, and it's great watching you mature.
Matt- You better remember how much I care about you. I think you may think I stopped caring much about you, but I care immensely. I still love you just as much as ever, and whatever has happened will not be allowed to end our friendship. I'm betting that being some of the only people left here may bring us closer, but whatever the case I love you, no matter how much of a mess you feel like from time to time.
Lizz- I really regret not knowing you on a more one-on-one level, but I still consider you a best friend. You are one of the funniest most complex people I have ever met, and while I don't think I'll ever get to totally understand you it's been great spending high school with you. I hate that you're going away but I know it's what you need and it's going to be great for you.
Josh- I really think you're coming back into my life, slowly but surely, and I'm so glad. My love for you hasn't decreased in the past few years, just our time together... I can't wait to spend senior year with you, and you still probably know me better than anyone.
Brett- Eff, man. I miss you so much. I think it's probably best for our friendship that we're apart, it made us work for it, and you're worth it. I'll never understand why you care about me so much, but I love you and I'm glad you do. I will be heartbroken if we don't stay friends for just about forever.
Will- I can't say I know why I care about you so much, but I do and I like to think we'll be friends for a long while. You seem to put some sort of weird trust and love into our friendship so I mean hey, I'll take whatever I can get. I can tell you're going to be great in life, and I hope I know you through it all.
Sarah- You're real, and I love you, and I'm glad we're friends.
Celino- I'm so glad we're friends... I wouldn't make it through school without you. You keep my head straight and trust me without worrying and I just want to thank you... I'm horrified that we will lose touch if I don't go live with you in Baton Rouge, but we will see!
Ross- I realize we aren't half as close as we've been before, but I still feel like you're easier to talk to than nearly anyone I know. You seriously have your head together and I'm just glad we're friends. You are also more talented than I can even explain, and you're going to go so far. We need to work on this whole friendship thing, though.
Tim- Okay so I realize we have hung out literally 3 times ever, but I think I have some the best times I've ever had around you and you're just a ton of fun. I hope we somehow remain friends and see each other fairly reguarly, because that would be awesome.

Okay so I'm tired of typing so that's all the people for today.

Now there are a myriad of lyrics which are fitting for my mood, sooo we are going to just post an assload of lyrics.


"You know this is it, don't be afraid to show me. No, don't hesitate, I just might slip away..."

"When everything was a mess, and everything was in place, and there's too much hurt, and small, scared, alone, and everyone's a cynic, and it's hard and it's sweet, but it's supposed to be like this..."

"I try not to let my emotions show, but it ain't a balloon I can just let go..."

"Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking when I hear the stupid things you say. Somebody better turn off the big light because I can't stand to see you this way..."

"Unchain me from this spot and keep me from being alone, 'cause I'm no good at being alone..."


Okay I'm stopping myself at five. Know that there are 893 more.